Of former beaus and sometimes friends

This is a reprint of my March 13, 2005 post from another blog (soon to be abandoned!) Because this entry speaks of several "crooks" in my life's path, I wanted it to be a part of this journal.

Of former beaus
Like many women I know, I have friends, foes and beaus from my past. Usually they remain tucked nicely away in my memory banks, where I can call them up in moments of sweet remembrance; but sometimes they sweep in like ticking time bombs and fill the present with trepidation and panic. Such was the case for me earlier this week when an email from a former beau landed in my mailbox.

Perhaps landed is the wrong term. Crashed more appropriately describes what took place, for I felt as though a bomb had gone off inside my body when I saw his name in the "Who" column. Time froze and for one split second I neither heard, saw, nor felt anything around me—only the blinking of his name as the "new email" alert flashed.

At that moment, images flooded my brain like water from a broken damn. The swirling pictures caused memories to float to the surface of my heart—some of them ripping open old scars and leaving in their wake fresh pain and hurt, and the horrible sensation of shame as though my entire past life had been laid open for all the world to see. Other memories brought warmth and joy, some brought anger.

My pulse raced and my breathing was heavy as I sat and pondered my dilemma. On the one hand I was curious, on the other I was afraid of what I would find. My hand shook as it hovered over the mouse. Do I or don't I open the email? My hand moved to the delete key and paused. Finally I closed my email program and got up and left the computer. I needed time to think. Time to gather myself together. The email would wait. The sender would wait. After all, he had waited 34 years, what would another few minutes or hours matter?

A friend in need
My friend and I were close, but over the years we've lost touch as our lives have taken very different directions. She's remarried, has grandkids and new interests and it's hard for me to relate to all of these things. But when I see her, it's always a treat and it's as though it was just yesterday that we sat at her kitchen table over a cup of coffee. Her warm smile and her generous hug always brighten my day. I saw my friend the day after the email bombshell. We were in the grocery store when she went by, her eyes focused on something down the aisle. She walked by and didn't notice me. I put down the lettuce I was squeezing and walked over, tapped her on the shoulder and was rewarded with a smile and hug. It helped to wipe away the pain from the day before. We chatted about her grandkids and her husband. She has been through some trying times as well, and it was good to just stand there in the midst of all the other shoppers and chat about our joys and sorrows. Soon we were both laughing and smiling, and our burdens were lifted. We parted with the promise that we'd call each other. I know we won't, as does she, but it was nice to visit with her.

True friends indeed?
We sat down at the table, ready to enjoy a nice lunch—just the two of us. It has been a rough week, and my husband and I were both ready to just relax. Suddenly I hear my name being called. I glance around and there at the table kiddy-corner from us sat four ladies that I once called friends. These ladies are from my recent past, a time in my life when I was active in a church. A church that underwent some major leadership changes, and I was caught up in the tide of frustration, nasty politics, greed, and gossip. Eventually, I was swept out to sea and left floundering without a life vest when many (including these four ladies) turned against me. It was difficult to realize that sixteen years (and in some cases 20 years) counted for naught when weighed against the gossip of one man. Fortunately, I was rescued by family and was able to plant my feet firmly on shore once again, where I dried my tears, dusted the sand from my clothes and moved on to explore the riches of life.

At any other time I would have been surprised at the warm reception these ladies issued forth, but after the week I'd experienced, nothing much surprised me. They acted like nothing had taken place, and were gracious and warm as they chatted with my husband and myself. I surprised myself by being just as gracious and warm in return. Maybe I've learned something this week.

We have two choices with every experience in life: We can learn, grow and move forward, or we can let the resentment and anger eat at us until we stagnate and become lonely and bitter. Friends, foes and former beaus all play a part in shaping who we are and what we become. I'm thankful for all who have crossed my path, and for the lessons learned. Life is pretty good, and I'm looking forward to all the new experiences life has to offer me in the years ahead.